by

The power of words

This blog has been such a blessing. I can write about whatever is going on with my life and it helps me process my thoughts and my feelings. I’ve tried writing a diary before, even when we started IVF #1 I wrote some…but it wasn’t interesting for me, it seemed too one-dimensional…I wrote and wrote and nothing came back. It wasn’t was cathartic as I had hoped and I stopped. But blogging is different. I still do it for myself, but there is something about being able to put myself out there, to ‘speak’ my thoughts and feelings, to validate my experience, that makes it more special. Somehow it makes my journey real because I know that there are others out there reading and my journey, my quest does not remain hidden and closed. I truly value this.

For the longest time I have asked the Huz to write something on here. I want to hear his words, to know in a deeper level what his experience of this journey is. I know that he has difficulty processing and talking about things on the spot, I have no problem with this! And I think sometimes I overwhelm him, so I try to give him space and ask for written words instead.

When we learned that out pregnancy was not going to work out, when I still thought that I was having a miscarriage, I asked the Huz to write me something, a letter, to me, to us, to our baby that was not to be, because I needed to know that he too was grieving this loss. It didn’t happen. Then we learned that it was an ectopic pregnancy and afterwards I asked him again. Please write me a letter. He said he would. It didn’t come. We went to our therapy appointment. It had been 6 weeks since our last one! (therapists here are always incredibly busy). I cried and told our story. We talked about the damn letter. Our therapist helped us more clearly see the reasons behind my need, and the reasons for his avoidance. The Huz said he would write it. And a couple of days ago I got it.

I asked for his permission to post some of it. Because this blog has been a witness to my journey. And it wouldn’t be complete without his words too. I feel ready to close this chapter. And I hope and pray that we can start writing another one soon.

What I feel about our loss

It has been a very hard time for both of us.

And through most of it, I was worried about you and your health, especially the second time around, – at the hospital again.

I am not sure that throughout the last 4 weeks I had the mental capacity to really process what has been going on.

I am just thankful that you survived and even more your fallopian tubes survived. ( <== Love this!)

 It’s like I needed all my mental capacity to be able to go on with my life, and be able to support us both: cook, buy, call people, make appointments, keep our external life running, if you know what I mean.

 Like our therapist  said, I could see the physical changes to your body, like your bigger boobs, but not much more.

It was just a little unreal to me, all of that.

So maye that’s why I can’t really grieve as much as you because the actual evidence for me is not as big as it was for you.

I am quite sad that we are not going to have this child – our child, one that we made ourselves, naturally! I know she was strong, I know she was a fighter.

I was really looking forward to having her, to you being happy and fulfilled. Our life would have changed, for sure, but I know we are ready.

Finally we are where we want to be, both psysically, emotionally, and spatially (I know those are 3 things :)

We have a babies-room, we have her color already, we have names, we can do it!

We will get there again, I promise!

Gracias Amor.

by

Bring on the happy weather + May ICWL

I’ve been a little un-inspired this past few days. I’ve found it hard to keep talking (or writing in this case) about the crappiness of it all (my recent ectopic pregnancy, surgeries, recovery, sadness…) when there is this flurry of happy posts on my reader on a daily basis. I ‘d like to make it clear that I am absolutely ecstatic about each and every one of the BFP’s + happy pregnancies happening in this community. Seriously, I smile reading your posts. But it’s a little hard to not think about the “I should’ve been there too…” The feeling is slowly fading away, but I know it takes some time and for that I am trying to honor my self and take some space. 

This got me thinking about the dynamics of this community. I started this blog in the midst of looking for an outlet or my thoughts and feelings, to make sense and process all of what was happening within myself after our failed IVF. And I wanted to connect with other ladies and their stories to learn and normalize and validate my experience. This has been a blessing. I am SO happy to have found this. But lately, I’ve noticed that I sensor myself a little before writing something….because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I don’t want to come across as a nuisance with the repeated posts about my loss, and I don’t want to lose your support. I know that there’s an ebb and flow to followers and supporters, depending of where each of us are in our journeys. And that’s ok. It’s just something that I’ve been thinking about. But the main reason I am here is for me, so I’ll just keep going on, hoping to be able to keep providing love and support to you and hoping to getting some back.

******************************************

Changing the tune! There’s been other reasons for my absence in the past few days.

  1. My very best friend came from Mexico to visit!!! We had been planning this trip for a couple of months and we were supposed to go around Europe for 15 days together. But with me recovering from surgery, that plan was not to be. She was hear for 3 days and left yesterday to do a tour by herself and with a group. And I get to see her again before she leaves. I am disappointed about not being able to be part of this adventure with her….but feel incredibly blessed for having such an amazing friend in my life.
     
  2. Our family grew!!! I actually gave The Huz and ultimatum after knowing that we would lose our pregnancy, “Since we don’t get to have our baby now, I Want A Dog Now. Period.” (insert “I mean business or else” face)
    This is Ina, and we are in love! Incredible how pets help hearts heal. Except for the random crying and peeing, she’s been really good about the transition and she is quite the attraction when we take her out. At least I get to get out of my comfort zone and practice some German b/c people keep asking me questions about her.
  3. Yesterday there was a Mexican mass + kermess organized by the Mexican-German association here where we live. I got to dress up all Mexican-ish and loved it. I’m thinking I should do it more often, I feel colorful and beautiful ja,ja

  4. I am feeling MUCH better. I can button my jeans now and the inflammation has gone down exponentially, AND I have been able to go to the toilet without pain! – counting my blessings here. The scars look pretty intense still, but I guess after two surgeries back to back that is expected. At least I feel like now I can start moving forward.
  5. The weather has been absolutely beautiful!! I have not worn a scarf or a jacket in the past two days!! Thank you thank you weather. I will never take the sun granted. Ever.

******************************************** 

Welcome ICWLers!! This is my first time participating in ICWL :)
A quick recap of my life these past few months:

  • Moved to Germany from the US last September.
  • Tried IVF#1 in November and drama ensued. Developed mild OHSS, pretty uncomfortable but livable. However, had a serious bad reaction to progesterone, after switching from pills to gel to PIO I ended up at the hospital for 4 days. BFN. Didn’t even make it to the end of the TWW before my period came with a vengeance. I think that the liters of fluid they gave me at the hospital flushed out the progesterone in my system…(good theory, will never know). Truly felt heartbroken by how this played out. But we did get 7 frozen embies and for that I am very grateful.
  • Had to go back to Mexico in January for 9 weeks to deal with some issues with my German visa. Fertility plan put on hold.
  • Came back in March and decided to give 1-2 months break to get settled (again).
  • April – May:
    • got appendicitis + emergency surgery;
    • found out I was pregnant (miracle BFP!!! we were told we were never going to get pregnant by ourselves b/c of male factor infertility);
    • was told I was going to miscarry after beta #2 came back lower; heartache and intense sadness followed;
    • betas didn’t lower as they should, suspicion of ectopic pregnancy;
    • visited the hospital (again) with pain, ectopic pregnancy confirmed + emergency surgery;
    • currently waiting on my [hopefully] last beta today that’ll tell me that I am officially done with this and then we will look into doing a FET in July- August.

Thanks for stopping by!

by

Slowly getting back on my feet

I’ve spent way too much time doing nothing during this past month, granted it has been due to health reasons but for someone that is used to running around all day, every day, this has been quite a change. But this past week, recovering from 2nd surgery (ectopic pregnancy) has been really hard. I think having had two laparoscopies back to back really took a toll on my body, and it shows. I’ve had really bad pain on the one cut (where the catheter was placed) – as long as I don’t laugh, sneeze, cough or move too much I am fine ha! Yesterday I stifled a sneeze (unconsciously, I think my brain knows how bad the pain would have been if I had sneezed) but then ended with earache for the rest of the day. And on Saturday I was asked if I was pregnant, thanks to my huge belly and me constantly rubbing it to ease the pain… In any case, I am feeling better as days go by, but I just needed to unload these thoughts from my head.

So, we went for my 7th beta today. Can’t believe how many betas I have had and no baby to show for it.

Beta #7 = 31!

Almost there, I mean down. I’m already thinking about when we can get back on the road. I’d love to do our FET on July (if possible), but I know I first need to get healthy, get my energy back, and the kilos I’ve lost so far (even my skinny jeans are a little baggy these days). But then we have a trip planned in September to Mexico to go to my twin sister’s wedding and spend some time in the beach. My family has been extremely supportive throughout all of this. They are encouraging us to continue as soon as we  want and to not worry if we can’t come for the wedding, seriously my babies already have the best grandparents and aunts!
But in my mind waiting until after September, 5 months, that’s eternity. We would be almost at the year mark of our first IVF and still with nothing to show for it. I don’t want to ‘waste’ any more time, seems to me that because of one thing or the other we have not been able to really continue pursuing this dream. Guess I first need to wait to meet with our RE on the 30th and talk about our plan. Patience is a virtue.

I wanted to share a video that we took a little more than a year ago. Back when TTC and IF were not leading our lives. When the Huz and I were spending time together doing cool things and enjoying each other’s company (and kicks!). We decided to look for an activity together and ended up taking Kung Fu! Seriously, the Best Thing Ever. We did if for about a year, got to green sash, spent 3-5 days a week taking classes and developing some very dangerous moves and getting nicely toned muscles.

 

Reasons why I love this video:

 

- It always makes me smile
- Nice reminder that it’s never too late to embark on new adventures together
- We did something that seemed totally crazy and ended up loving it!
- My first time ever editing a video!  
- It shows me that there are other things in my life, in my relationship that bring me smiles and peace and excitement, and that is an important part of not letting us get too wrapped up on IF 

I really miss it. I want to get back to it, but there’s no way I can do martial arts if I’m planning on getting pregnant. So another thing that needs to be put on hold, until we bring our baby home. Which I don’t mind, at all, but the hard part is, how long will it take?

 

by

today of all days my heart needed to hear this

Today, May 10th, is Mother’s Day in México. It doesn’t matter where I am in the world. Today is the day where I celebrate my mom, my stepmother, my little sister, my aunts and cousins, my friends… but I didn’t celebrate myself. I spent a lot of today crying at random times… For all my positivity and strength, I do still grieve what did not become. I grieve for the loss of our baby, of our pregnancy, of a dream. I do truly believe that there is a reason for everything that life has brought us, I believe that God has our hearts’ desires present and sooner or later (I do prefer sooner though) we’ll get another miracle that will stay. I’m trying hard to gather strength and recover because I’m ready to continue on this path. Because I will never, never, never give up.

But today was a little hard. Even after being pregnant, even if it was for 7+ weeks, even if we never saw a heartbeat, I was on my way to motherhood. Even after all these years of trying and hoping and praying and fighting tears. But no one has acknowledged that I am in some way a mom already, I haven’t even been able to acknowledge it myself.

And then I got this message from my cousin (one of the few that knows full on how much I desire to have a baby, how much we desire to expand our family, how big is this wish, how long our road has been).
*(The original is in Spanish which I think it’s beautiful and I will post first, then comes the English translation):

“Hola Prima! Hoy en este día te tengo en mis pensamientos! Te quiero felicitar por la lucha que haces todos los días por buscar un bebé, eso ya te hace una mamá! Quieres ese bebé con tantas ganas sin conocerlo, es igual que estar embarazada, no? Se que cuando por fin tengas la dicha, ese bebé va a ser súper afortunado de tener una mamá tan luchona que a pesar de las circunstancias nunca se cansa de intentar! Te quiero mucho Prima, te tengo en mis oraciones siempre y se que algún día tu sueño se hará realidad!”

“Hola Prima! You have been in my thoughts today especially. I would like to congratulate you for the daily fight that you undertake in your dream of a baby, that makes you a mom already! You want that baby so much and you don’t even know her, that’s the same as being pregnant, right? I know that when you finally have that joy, that baby is going to be very lucky to have a mom that is a fighter, and that in spite of the circumstances never gives up! I love you, and I have you in my prayers always, and I know that some day your dream will come true.”

Happy Mother’s Day ♥ to all of us wherever we are on this road, because in the deep of our hearts we are already a mom.

by

Making sense of it all

I am home already and incredibly happy about it. This has been the shortest hospital stint in Germany (seriously, three hospital stays & two surgeries over the past six months) and I am grateful for that. The pain has subsided a lot and I am able to walk better (although it still burns on the place where the 30 cm catheter was – 30 cm! that was a painful experience). I am back to having a belly, which I would not mind at all if it was because of pregnancy, but is not, so I will probably not be fitting into my jeans for the next couple of weeks until the air/inflammation goes down. I feel grateful and incredibly blessed to have gone through this experience and come out with general good health and no complications. Still…

I can’t help but wonder about my luck…or fate? I was on birth control pills back in Feb to deal with the two huge cysts on my ovaries. I was not planning or even fathoming getting pregnant after that. I had a weird cycle in March probably b/c of the pills, and then middle of April I get appendicitis and got express surgery to deal with that. I week after I got a positive pregnancy test. Which I Had Never Had Before. Truly feeling blessed. Several days later my world comes crashing down after our second beta came back lower. This past week I had been trying to process all of it and grieving our loss. Then comes back our third beta higher and this creates utter confusion, and along with that I start having some ache on my lower right side. Last Friday our 4th beta comes back slightly lower but worries our dr (and us) that this might be a sign of an ectopic pregnancy. And then Sunday the pain goes off and with no enthusiasm the Huz and I head to the ER. We found out that hospitals also seem to ‘die’ on Sundays, as the rest of Germany does, so there were only two drs available on the gynecological unit and we were left waiting for three hours with no one to help us out. In any case, the care afterwards was excellent, but still it almost felt like it’s a bad idea to get sick on a weekend while being in Germany…

So, it was an ectopic pregnancy. It was lodged almost on the outer tip of my right tube. It has already been bleeding and started coagulating. From what I gathered, I came in just in time to prevent a real catastrophe. And I was lucky enough that they didn’t have to take my tube out.

5th beta (before surgery) = 470

I am grateful for my health. That I am in good shape and healthy enough to have dealt with two surgeries in the course of three weeks and be feeling relatively ok. But I was scared out of my mind before this last surgery. And I was trying to make sense of why everything seems to be happening at once. I’m trying to not focus on the negative aspect of this, but I cannot understand why our first pregnancy ever, and a miracle one, had to end like this? It does make me slightly afraid for the future. But I am trying hard not to focus on that. I do however, have to honor my feelings and I need to acknowledge that part of me still feels incredibly sad about the loss of this dream. I want to be out there with everyone else who is in the early stages of their pregnancy, and not nursing my body back to health after two surgeries back to back. The only ‘relief’ I got from this is knowing that my body was not to blame for the miscarriage, it was just bad luck (?) that our baby didn’t make it to the right place.

I pray that things go smoother for us, and for me, in the coming months. I will be trying to get back into a rhythm. Maybe getting back into German classes and keep learning the language. Focusing on finally setting up my translation website and network around. Maybe take out my flute and make music again. Explore this beautiful city where we live and which I haven’t had a chance so far to get to know. Nurture my self back into health and peace. Start acupuncture. Read. Not worry about our baby making plans (at least for two months – dr’s orders). Smile in & out.

Oh, and still have to get blood work done until there’s a big fat zero to show.

6th beta (yesterday, after surgery) = 275

This has been quite an adventure…I’m ready to wind down. 

by

When it rains it pours!

Not a miscarriage.
Yes an ectopic pregnancy – according to the dr “a big, fat ectopic pregnancy”.

Apparently I had been bleeding internally for some days now that when I came to the ER yesterday and was finally seen, the dr saw almost a liter of blood inside! Thankfully the dr spoke Spanish, but that meant I actually understood everything and was seriously freaked out.

Got surgery again last night around 10:30 pm. Got to recovery around 12 am and back in the room around 1 am. Have never been so happy to see my wonderful husband who never left my side throughout all of this.

At least they were able to do a laparoscopy at the same spots as last time. But this around the pain is worse. And I have a draining tube protruding from my abdomen! That completely freaked me out.

Sad about all of this, but trying to see the positive in that I didn’t miscarry. That’s good right?

Stop by and leave me positive thoughts, ¿Si? I need them. And I need to get a breather after this is done.

by

Patiently waiting….

Went to our WTF appointment yesterday. Although it didn’t feel like a wtf appointment. It was a really good appointment, and our RE was wonderful. I didn’t feel like he was rushing us at all, he took time to listen and talk with us about our worries. He agreed to pursue some genetic testing and other stuff to make sure there is nothing we are missing that might prevent future pregnancies. He did an ultrasound and I don’t know what I was expecting to see, but there was really nothing to see at this point, except from some fluid/blood (?) on the right side next to my uterus. Dr gave some theories (ectopic??) as to why it’s there, but can’t know for sure. I’m hoping that’s what is causing the pain, but worry about it being there in the first place.

We did talk about my climbing hcg from last Wednesday, there’s some slight concern that I might have an ectopic pregnancy b/c of the climbing hcg and the pain/ache I feel on my right lower side. We talked about what to do if the fourth beta came higher = head to the hospital asap. I prayed that I didn’t have to go back there again. We talked about the option of doing a FET on June as we had previously talked about. He gave us the green light if everything continues ok with this loss. He said that it was a good sign, that we had gotten pregnant (and all on our own!), that this meant my body was capable and ready, that this increases our chances of a healthy pregnancy down the road. I was pretty calm all throughout. I didn’t feel panicky as I usually do during our appointments. I didn’t cry. I felt a little strong. We both had blood taken, and seriously at this point my poor veins looks tired and green-ish. But as the nurse was drawing our the blood I kept telling (my blood, as weird as that sounds), “Please give me a lower hcg, I really don’t want to end back at the hospital, and possibly have another laparoscopy. Please let go.”

Beta #4 = 420

Down, but not by that much, enough to not have the dr send me to the ER. Will wait until Monday for another blood test. The pain is still there,  I stood a lot yesterday afternoon and I think that exacerbated it. But no fever of other symptoms. And I woke up feeling slightly better (physically). But still feel sad. I should’ve been on my 7th week of pregnancy now. I prayed today in the morning, like I hadn’t done in a long time. I was conscious of my thoughts and feelings. I am grateful for this opportunity to know that we are able to make Life all by ourselves. I wonder if this was meant to show us that we need to have strength to continue throughout this journey. Secretly, my biggest fear so far was to lose a pregnancy. And I did. I am grateful that it was early on. But I was not prepared for the heartache. I don’t want my faith to waver, I want to keep believing, I want our baby to know that she was loved and dreamt about and so deeply missed. I want to be confident that this is the path we are meant to be in, and that this just brings us one step closer to our dream ♥

There’s a prayer that I read on FB (it being the biggest source of gossip ever) of a high school friend that lost her pregnancy somewhere on her first trimester. The prayer was beautiful. I just didn’t know it would bring me solace on my time of ache. 

Aquí estamos Señor con un nudo en la garganta y preguntas en el corazón.
no comprendemos lo sucedido,
las explicaciones no alcanzan,
para llenar el lugar de nuestro bebé que se perdió.
Rezamos para no caer en la tentación de enojarnos contigo.
Confiamos en tu sabiduría y te reconocemos como Señor de la Vida.
Aceptamos tu voluntad y junto a ella, los designios de la naturaleza.
Te ofrecemos nuestro dolor por nuestros bebés y por todos los niños no nacidos pero que viven en tí eternamente.
Acompañanos en la espera, hasta que llegue el momento del abrazo eternos que nos daremos los cuatro al reencuentro en el cielo. 

I’ve been reading lots of happy news on the blogosphere lately. Hugs to all the ladies with positive pregnancies as of lately!! If you have a chance send them good vibes too ♥

Lou @ Syringe Sisters

Roxxroxx @ Bangkok Baby Project

Now and Ever More

Belle @ Scrambled Eggs

by

Up & down – can we be done with this please?

I woke up yesterday in a pretty gloomy mood. Went to get my blood drawn and kept having these thoughts that I had just been there a week ago with such a radiant smile and glowing heart because we were actually pregnant! Now, I was going back to check how my beta was progressing down…Or apparently up

Beta #3 = 482

?????

Even the nurse was confused at this. But my estrogen came back at zero and progesterone at 1, so that means that I am not pregnant, but my hcg needs to catch up on this news. I did start having some heaving bleeding and intense cramps yesterday, so that gives me some resolution in knowing that this is really not working. I wish it’d be done already so I don’t have the constant reminder of it. Tomorrow we have an appointment with our RE and we are intent on bombarding him with questions. There’s no way I’ll leave there after a 10 min chat of “how there was nothing to do, no real reason to now why it didn’t work, we’ll just continue with treatment when we are ready.” I need to know if there are other things we might be missing at this point, b/c I cannot afford to have another heartache like this come my way if there is something that we can do to be better prepared. And I will really like some empathy, that wouldn’t hurt.

I’m not as sad today as I’ve been in earlier days. I’m sort of angry at all of this. And wanting to catch a break from all of this. Starting with the failed IUI last summer, failed IVF on fall + hospital stay, having to go back to Mexico to get my visa and putting my life on hold, coming back, getting apendicitis, going to the hospital again, finding out I was pregnant and losing it. Need a break to be able to enjoy life now. Seriously. I wonder if the Mayas were on to something about 2012 being the end….I wonder if it’s the end of hardships? A transition to a better stage in humanity? A year of misfortunes for some of us (I mean I am Mexican, maybe it’s supposed to hit harder close to home??)

I’m also struggling with these feelings of jealously….I wished I was writing other things like how far along am I, or what pregnancy symptoms I would be feeling at this point, or making plans for our family. I don’t like it, because I am genuinely  happy to read about others’ BFPs and new pregnancy stories… I really hate how IF forever changes our life perspectives and robs us from being naive and happy-go-lucky about things. I want to smile without worries again. I want to feel my heart flutter. I want to let myself dream about good things. I want to hold on to hope. I want to trust my faith again to start praying for our dreams and wishes to come true. I want to let go and move forward. I’d like a clean slate to start over again.

by

Having some sad sad few days lately…

Que rápido nos cambia la vida,
que rápido se nos alienta el corazón,
y que rápido se nos destruyen los sueños.

It’s been 5 days since we received the news that my miracle pregnancy was not going to work out. Stopped the progesterone (after lots of mental anguish) and continued with my life. Since having surgery two weeks ago I’ve been laying low and not doing much, then found out I was pregnant and didn’t do a lot either. Saturday I woke up thinking that if I move around the house and do some cleaning and walking will probably not be a deciding factor of whether I get to keep this pregnancy or not. Friday and Saturday I had no spotting, no bleeding, no cramps, extremely sore boobs, raised temp. I started Sunday with renewed hope that maybe the dr + blood test was wrong, I mean why not? Well, that lasted for 10 minutes before I had some discharge/clots and some spotting. Since then I’ve had some spotting and finally yesterday some more bleeding….but nothing that feels like a normal period. It doesn’t feel normal and I have absolutely no idea what a normal miscarriage looks like. It’s sort of torturous to be at this stage. How long does it take?? My boobs still hurt some, and my temp is still high. Of course googling this stuff up is not helpful at all (should stay away from computer!), now I’m wondering if I had a missed abortion or an ectopic pregnancy (which I hope not b/c I cannot take another crisis at this point….but my right lower side has been hurting a little and I can’t figure out if it’s b/c of the appendectomy or the pregnancy or if I’m just imagining things…)

I have a blood test scheduled for tomorrow morning, but they wouldn’t give me an ultrasound appointment b/c “it won’t show anything at this point”. Can’t wait to have some tangible answers for all of this.

This miracle pregnancy + heartbreaking miscarriage has left me with some serious heartache. And like a tsunami it has left a quake of devastation in my life. I had no idea that in a week my life would turn upside down in such a dramatic way, and it has ripped open a huge wound that I’m afraid will take me some time to heal. I think I am a strong person, but infertility has slowly disintegrated some of my outer shell and I feel so much vulnerable now. And I hate how it is affecting my marriage. What a disastrous day we had yesterday on the marriage front. At one point I was so mad at the Huz for not being able to provide the support I needed that I said, “I’ll just pack my bags and fly back to Mexico”….he said, “then do” Ha! not the answer I was waiting for, so for future reference emotional blackmail does not work in this relationship…We had a really long talk, and decided we need to change some things to make sure we don’t hit such a low in our relationship anytime soon. We both agreed that when starting off in this IF road, we had not idea how hard it’d be and what an emotional and physical toll it would take on us. Today it’s been better. But I am still really sad, not depressed, but really really sad about all of this. The weather is amazing today and I have no desire to step out of my home….

I know I need to focus on the Now and let myself heal. But I am in desperate need of answers. Why has our road been so challenging?? My infertility resume now includes one failed IUI, one failed IVF, one miracle pregnancy and one fucking miscarriage. Not cool. At all.

Can’t help but wonder if we are ever going to get there?? Can we get pregnant again on our own? Can I stay pregnant? Would we have a successful FET? All questions that I know have no answers at this point. That I know I need to be patient, to relax, to belief that it is going to happen for us, to have faith… It’s just hard at this point, and I’m wondering how does anyone do it?

I like to be positive. I believe in the power of looking at the bright side of things. I like to use this space to write out my thoughts and feelings and in some way it helps me to write them out in a positive manner, because if I do that, then I find it easier to believe them. But today, I need to take a step back from that and acknowledge that I’m having a hard time accepting everything that has been happening. That I am not feeling very positive or hopeful. That I need to take the hurt and the anger out and leave some space to sow new dreams. It hurts.

(P.s. Thank you all for your support and encouragement and love. I have not been able to answer any of your comments on my last  couple of posts because it’s painful, but know that they have meant a world to me. Thanks♥)